(This continues the second story discussed in How To React To Lashon Hara. Lashon Hara is Hebrew for speaking negatively – albeit truthfully – about others.) In the same group studying Mishnah, there happened to be a younger student. He didn’t understand the full meaning of the siilence and so felt guilty regarding the unkind words (lashon hara).
Why feel guilty?
Because lashon hara destroys 3: The speaker, the hearer and the target. After Havdalah, the youth approached the Rabbi who’d only discussed the Mishnah without deviating into lashon hara, and asked to speak privately.
Once they were behind closed doors, the student said, “The course was great, so I’d like to thank you and the others for teaching us so well.” “Thankyou,” answered the Rabbi.
“There was just one little thing that bothered me, though – the other Rabbi’s comments on those he disagrees with politically,” continued the student. “I’m not sure whether it was or wasn’t lashon hara, but it certainly put me in an awkward situation. I didn’t think it would be well-received if I chided the other Rabbi, being younger and less learned than him. Perhaps you might speak to him?” he asked.
“The whole group felt that way,” responded the Rav. “That’s why there was the silence [due to the discomfort and disapproval.]”
The story has several important takeaways on offering criticism.
How To Provide Constructive Criticism And Chiding
1) Avoid embarassment and ensure effectiveness by seeking a private discussion. No one likes to hear that they’re wrong and especially not in front of others, which would cause them to lose face.
To avoid putting others on the defensive and to pre-empt a fruitless confrontation, seek a private forum after others have left. This is why the student waited until after Havdala, and went to a private room to avoid being overheard.
2) Praise before criticizing. In theory, a person may sense that praise is being given to soften upcoming criticism, and they may doubt the sincerity of the praise. But in practice, any such considerations fall by the wayside for two reasons.
First, emotionally, we all appreciate compliments and this tends to suffice to trump rational skepticism. Second, since we tend to view ourselves and our actions positively, we believe praise we receive on the grounds that it is true, even if the motive for giving it is to ease a path for constructive criticism. I’ve certainly never heard someone respond, when told they were generous and kind, “I’m a cheap jerk! What are you talking about?!”
Of course, it’s best to give praise one genuinely believes, for optimal results. This is especially true if it can be supported based on an event we’ve seen.
Often, however, even compliments that we cannot justify from our own experience with the person may suffice. The Haggadah says, “All of us are intelligent, all of us are righteous, all of us know the Torah.” (“Koulanu chachamim, koulanu tzadikkim, koulanou yod’im et haTorah.”) So praising a person’s intelligence, good deeds and/or knowledge of Torah are generally applicable type compliments that we can use in the absence of something more contextually appropriate.
3) Let the right person for the situation offer the constructive criticism. Age, perceived expertise, pre-existing friendship and other factors affect who is the “right” critic.
Ultimately, it is someone who the target of the constructive criticism will heed and not feel ashamed to receive criticism from.
Again, protecting dignity is key. Often, a close friend or family member is best, or at least a trusted peer, because they are known to mean well [in the target's mind],
How Abraham Would Give Constructive Criticism
In the story of Soddom, Abraham questions G’ as to whether He will really destory the city despite the possibility that some righteous people may reside there. Onkelos’ translation/interpretation adds the words, “Too True Are Your Judgments,” to Abraham’s chiding of G’. It’s unclear what the source of Onkelos’ addition is, but either way, the story sets an excellent example.
First, Abraham begins with praise.
Second, the text explicitly says that Abraham waited until the other members of his group had already travelled onwards. He was addressing G’ privately.
And we know that Abraham smashed his father’s idols and brought people to monotheism. The former demonstrates a love and respect for both G’ (similar to seeking the wellbeing of the object of the constructive criticism) and the latter point shows love for his fellow men (e.g. expertise in the subject of monotheism and appreciation of G’). So Abraham was the right person to plead Soddom’s case.